having an emotional breakdown because I don’t want to have to train guys how to fuck me anymore.
I like to throw people off by saying “he shot himself in the head” instead of “he committed suicide”, or simply “he died”.
"He shot himself in the head" seems a lot more blunt and real to me than the other two. If I say it that way, it has two purposes; the first is that it immediately brings the violence of his action against himself to the forefront of the person’s mind, and second, it lets the person I’m speaking to know that I have survived the violent death of someone I loved and gives them a little more insight into why I am the way I am. It is much more abrupt and much more direct than sugarcoating it by saying "he died."
I can’t allow anyone to romanticize his suicide, or anyone else’s for that matter. He didn’t simply die, he made his skull cave in and chunks of his brain, slivers of his skin, and splatters of his blood coat his bedroom. He did it to himself and nothing was left but for his parents, the people who loved him more than any of us, to race toward the sound of the gun shot and find the pieces of him that had exploded outward onto the floor, the walls, and the furniture. I know this because I sat on his bed after his room was cleared and wept until I literally couldn’t produce any more tears.
That’s what I want people to know. My ex-boyfriend shot himself in the head. He shot himself in the head. He shot himself in the head.
He didn’t just die, and I won’t sugarcoat it for anyone, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you. I want you to be stunned by his death and the place he had to be in mentally to do that to himself and I want you to think twice before you make light of it.
Your silence after the words are my gratification.